Lacking desire for intimacy
QUESTION: Masters I rarely have desire for intimacy. I don’t believe this is normal specially when I am with someone that I love. What is the cause for this and what can I do to change this? Is it just an issue of mine or of my partner’s as well? ~Marika, UK
ANSWER: There is no such thing as “normal” applying to all souls having human experiences. You are caught up in what you think, by the example of what you see happening in society around you, is necessary for loving relationships. That completely depends upon the partners.
There are situations where intense love relationships exist without sexual intimacy. In cases where circumstances prevent contact – such as in paralysis, possible contagion, emotional fragility, and physical distance – the partners may provide solace to each other through communication alone. Some also abstain through vows of celibacy but still pair up for companionship.
You deeply desire and have a need for love, for being the object of the care of another, but while you can tolerate touching and holding, giving yourself over to the ministrations of another freaks you out. This stems from incidents in your earlier life where you were used by another against your will, and now you have an intense need for being in control over your body, which you do not feel is possible during sex.
You can examine your feelings and see if it is possible to restore a sense of confidence in another’s control for short periods of time. During a flashback of fear, go into the event and try to return to the cause. Once you have arrived, look at the incident through your adult eyes and see that it has nothing to do with your current status. You will then be able to release your blockage. This may or may not open you to desiring to engage in intimacy, but it will give you another perspective on your actions.
Any time you have a relationship, what happens within it is the choice of both parties. You have your hang-ups regarding sex, and your partner has to decide whether that is or is not a vital aspect of why he loves you. Being “in love” means accepting your partner and all that represents who they are. Intimacy is not an integral part of love.