Loveless marriage and dreams
QUESTION: Masters I got married at very young age. I never felt deep love for my husband because I was in love with someone before marriage. My hubby knew it before marriage but said he will make me forget all my pains. After marriage I realized that he was a big bully, short tempered and used to hit me all the time. Many times I decided to leave him but couldn’t because of kids. I started living my fantasy life by day dreaming of having other men in my life. that kept me alive. I did fell in love with someone, but nothing worked out. I am still with my husband. He has changed a lot but from time to time his bully nature comes back and I feel that I am back to square one. Will this situation ever end, will he change for good? ~Nana, Canada
ANSWER: Your husband worked to make you forget your deep love by replacing it with a fear of himself and his actions. You were very naïve and vulnerable at that young age. You let him convince you of what you truly wanted. Your desire to have a family blinded you to the situation and you accepted that he knew what was good for you better than you did. You gave him all your power.
Your excuse of not leaving him because of the children is just a reason to not deal with something you didn’t think you could do. The living situation with his temper and actions has been more frightening for the children than getting a divorce and finding an alternative living arrangement. You are still allowing him to make all your decisions for you.
It is time to step up and take responsibility for your own future. Spending all your time in dreams is being disrespectful to yourself and those around you. Where are the children while you are in your fantasy world? Do you think they are in any better position than you in standing up to their father and facing reality?
Your brief contact with another potential partner was doomed to failure because you didn’t believe you deserved to have happiness since your power is still in the hands of your husband. Ask yourself: Who is important to you?
Your husband’s future is up to him. He has always been a bully because it is the only way he feels he can be in control. He is basically a very fearful individual but is beginning to realize he doesn’t have to be disrespectful to others.
What you must do is decide if you want to be completely responsible for yourself. If you do, you must learn to love yourself enough to do what resonates within you and not let others push you around. The choice is yours.