Facilitating dependence
QUESTION: Masters my sister married a disturbed man and had 3 children. He abused her physically and she left him years ago. She raised her 3 children by herself with help from our parents. She has a downs syndrome daughter who she is now raising on her own with a live-in boyfriend. My father passed and mother bought her a mobile home so that she knows her daughter has a place to live. The problem is that my sister who is now in her mid-50’s still cannot get her life together. She does not work, nor does the live-in boyfriend they both live on the social security of her Down Syndrome daughter. The mobile home park says my sister is behind in the rent of the space. We continually give her money to get her out of binds. Do we stop giving her money and just let her go on the way she is and what happens happen? ~Deborah, United States
ANSWER: Your sister is living the life of the privileged. All those who have for years bailed her out of any difficulties and allowed her to depend on them for everything have facilitated her in becoming the person she is today. She doesn’t see that she needs to be responsible for anything because it will just “appear” when she needs it.
She and her lazy boyfriend will never do anything unless they are forced into it. She has even told the park personnel that her family will take care of the rent so that they will not bother her. If all the Social Security money were used for necessities, your sister would be able to get by – but she and the boyfriend are using it for their pleasure.
Nothing is right or wrong in the way you treat this situation, but your sister will not change unless she is forced to assume responsibility for herself. The only victim here is her daughter. It may be necessary to get the court system involved to protect your niece. If she is placed in a group home, your sister will no longer be able to depend on her Social Security and will become aware that it is time to find a way to support herself.
Without the money coming in, the boyfriend will leave. This may seem drastic to you, since you have always been there, but that is what has allowed this pattern to perpetuate. Your whole family must agree to force your sister into self-reliance. The choice is yours.