Regretting choices
QUESTION: Masters, I’d like to know how can I go on… My life (husband and I) was really bad. Two years ago, after 20 years we divorced and have a 10 year old son. I started working as massage therapist and love it! My ex-husband is in love with another girl and this is hurting me… I’m feeling betrayed… I’m jealous… I can’t stop crying! I see our relation so different now…I forgave him, asked him to come back, but he doesn’t want it (he blames me because he had problems with my father!). Should I insist in showing him we could live together again? Or just let him go? I need someone to talk… I’m so lonely! I need to share all the love I have inside of my heart… I can’t stand this anymore… Does he really love me? Will I find somebody who really loves me? My self-esteem is too bad! ~LavíNia, Brazil
ANSWER: Wait, wait, wait…are you even listening to yourself as you write this? You divorced this man because it was clear to you that you and your ex were not compatible and were miserable together, and now you are making yourself miserable all over again because he has moved on? Let him go! Nothing you do will make him want to return to you. You are divorced!
You may have forgiven him, but he doesn’t think he has anything to be forgiven for, since in his mind all your problems originated from you and your father. He will never see your side of the picture. He does not love you and never loved you to the degree that you loved him. From the very beginning, you just accepted his unreasonable behavior because you thought that was what a wife did. Once you began to realize how unreasonable he was being, that was when you got a divorce.
One of your life lessons is exploring love. You think you know how to love someone, but you can only love another to the extent to which you love yourself and you have no idea how to love yourself. When your entire life is outside of you, and you never consider how you are feeling inside about what you are doing, you are disconnected from life.
Start by deciding what it is you think about yourself. You say you are lonely; well, when you aren’t connected with yourself, how can you connect with anyone else? There are other men out there who would cherish a woman like you and wish to share a loving family. Don’t sell yourself short. Know that you are beautiful and desirable, and present yourself in that fashion to the world.