Being controlled by another
QUESTION: Masters I know that when my daughter feels sad, unhappy or irritated, it’s up to me if I let her drag me down with her or not. However, I feel I can resist her emotional impact only if I become distant or sort of indifferent to her. If I do so, it seems to me that I love her less and this feels wrong. How is it possible to protect oneself from being dragged down by another person and still love him/her the same? ~Lina, Lithuania
ANSWER: It is always up to the individual soul to respond to the energy being directed at them by someone else. It revolves around lessons for one, or both, of the parties. If you are the one being dragged down, it can happen only if you allow it to occur. The process is that you feel responsible for, or identify with, some or all of what the person is saying. You are in fact acknowledging in your mind that they know more about what you need, or how you are going to react, than you do.
The “emotional impact” you mention is caused by your accepting blame for some of the actions of your daughter. Becoming distant is one way to deal with her, but you are cutting off any chance to talk and work with her concerning the reason she is acting the way she is. These are choices she is making, not automatic chemical or psychologically controlled behavior.
She is also enjoying how upset you become with yourself during these times. When you don’t engage in her drama, you are actually helping her, because she can control her emotions but is having too much fun seeing you miserable and guilt ridden. However, you sometimes over-react afterward and allow her to dictate her desires because you believe your tiny action of disengagement means you love her less.
Ask yourself if you would allow her to harm herself. Demand that she examine the result her actions are having upon others. Why are you treating her manipulation as different from a child’s unruly behavior? She is sucking all your positive energy so she doesn’t have to work to get her own by releasing the negativity in which she dwells.
Refusing to allow her to affect you is not withholding love or loving her less than you do at other times. You could also try surrounding yourself with unconditional love for her whenever she starts her manipulations so that you give her love, which she doesn’t have to try to wrest away from you. She will easily tire of her games if she no longer upsets you.