Influential parents
Question: Masters, when I first met my husband I knew he had a close connection with his parents but at that moment, it did not seemed to interfere in our relationship. We are now married for almost four years and living emotionally distant from each other. Even though he is a very responsible and competent professional at work, it seems he does not want to move from the position of son to family man. I have talked to him, explained how I feel and tried to inspire and empower him in many ways. However, I am afraid he will not have the strength to make this change because his parents still have authority and dominion over him. Is this an unrealistic expectation? I do not want to wait for something if it is clearly unlikely. I just want to have a strong and independent partner to share my life with. ~Melinda, Brazil
ANSWER: Your husband is very confused and lacks self-confidence when it comes to taking responsibility for himself and his growth. Everyone creates their own realities and what they accept as the ruling beliefs within their life. He was taught from an early age that he could not make decisions by himself when they were important for his future as an adult. He believes that when it comes to personal matters, Mom and Dad know best and he should defer to them.
At work, when they are not around and have no influence over his progress, he is completely competent to analyze the situation and make decisions. This is business, and there are set rules by which he must comport himself in order to be successful. It is a built-in responsibility, so he doesn’t have to make any choices; he just follows the path taken by others.
When you got married, he thought that you would also see the wisdom he feels his parents possess and that you would allow them to make decisions for you, as well. He does not think there is anything wrong with the way he leads his life. He believes this is the way of life that all people follow. He also feels he does not have to be responsible for any consequences since he didn’t make the decisions that led to them. He can just blame whoever made the decision he chose to follow.
He thinks that you are the unreasonable one for not taking the easy path with him. He has no intention of changing the way he lives his life. As long as his parents are in the picture, he will remain “their obedient little boy,” hanging on every word they speak and direction they give to him. He is very unlikely to ever want to be the head of his family.
You must decide if you wish things to remain as they are, or if it is time to accept that you cannot thrive in this environment. You misread your husband because you had decided you wanted him and that things would change once you got married. Be completely honest with yourself and follow your feelings about what you desire.