Changing another
QUESTION: Masters two of my three sons are alcoholic, talented, wonderful people, whose personalities have changed drastically, and as a mother it is devastating to deal with. I am in my seventies, and suffer so much hurt from their behavior, especially since we used to be close and happy in their younger years. They are now in their forties and fifties. I also feel guilty about my sons because they had to experience constant criticism from their father, as I did also. He basically just did as he wished and was gone most of the time while the boys were growing up, causing terrible pain for all of us. I love all three sons, and want to know what I can do to bring healing for all of us. Especially for my oldest who can be very cold and cruel to me. ~Ann, USA
ANSWER: Your sons are finding their way through their chosen life lessons. It was no mistake that they came into a family with the nature of the father they had – just as it was no mistake that you married the man and continued to put up with his abuse for all the years that you did. All of you were dealing with issues of self-worth and self-love.
When you let another treat you in a disrespectful, mean-spirited way, you are saying that you feel they are more important than you are and that you do not value yourself. You stuck with the situation because you felt you had no other choice and never really gave any energy to finding a different path.
It is possible for you to heal yourself and the way you interpret your life, but it is impossible to do anything for the boys unless they are willing to look at the entire lifetime and release the anger, guilt, and hatred of themselves and their father. Each soul must come to grips with the lessons they chose and what they were able to learn from them.
Alcohol is a great way to hide. You can go into the bottle and blunt any feelings that are uncomfortable. This is the reason your sons are alcoholic – they don’t want to remember what happened to them. If they would allow themselves to go beyond the guilt for not saying or doing anything when they were younger, they could release the continuing pain and not need the bottle.
Your oldest son blames you for the way his father treated him because he thinks you should have done something to rescue them. He feels this way because, for him, it is better than assigning the blame to himself for not trying to help out. All you can do is send them unconditional love that they may resolve these negative feelings and find happiness again.