Sharing oneself
QUESTION: Masters, I feel drawn to the man who is unable to commit to me, but feels attracted to me, at times I feel his love. He is distant and evasive when I talk about feelings, he does not answer. However, he is unable to give, he always takes again and again to us and then again disappears. He lives alone, he is a kung Fu sensei a very responsible person. What is his emotional effort? What is wrong with him? ~Katja, Finland
ANSWER: This man is using you because of your gentle, giving personality. You want so desperately to have a relationship that you do not see his lack of honesty and integrity. He does not know what the meaning of love is – he only knows how to take and get others to think he is fantastic. What you feel is interest, not love.
Being a Kung Fu Master means nothing if you see it only as a martial arts practice for making money and keeping other people in line. As a sensei, he feels people should obey all his requests without question. Inside, he fears others will recognize the lack of social skills that make him shy away from personal commitment. He is afraid of being vulnerable in front of others because he doesn’t think himself worthy. This is why he overreacts so strenuously in his business.
You intrigue him because you know who you are and are not afraid to let others see your triumphs but also your failings. He was abused physically and psychologically as a child. His response was to become strong enough not to have any fear of being physically bettered in the future. Psychologically, he distances himself from people so he can avoid being emotionally susceptible to harm.
He has blocked out his past and constructed a scenario where he has always been strong, feared, and untouchable. This intensifies his need to be alone, away from people who might see who he is.
He is working through the life lessons he set up for himself. He has become much more observant lately and is trying to understand how other people interact. Your purpose in his life is as an example of trusting and being totally open with someone. He is not ready yet to take this step. Have patience with him if you wish to remain in his life.
Nothing is right or wrong on your journey. You have total freedom to choose whether to stay in this situation or move on to another where you may meet someone who is ready to start a sharing relationship devoid of fear.