Choices of others that hurt you
QUESTION: Masters, four and a half years ago my oldest daughter decided to move nine hours away to live with her father. For the last two years, she has been estranged… even calling her new step parent “mom”. Now that my youngest daughter is almost 14, she too is starting to act the same way, and is also wanting to leave me. Neither of my children seemed angry or unhappy with me… this all seems to come about suddenly, yet both of their fathers were in the know the entire time. Can you please tell me if this is something normal between mothers and daughters… or is it just me? I can’t imagine losing another child. ~Cheryl, USA
ANSWER: Humans are very curious and needy beings. Even though their fathers were in their lives, your daughters still wondered what it would be like to live with them instead of just with their mother. Your youngest was definitely influenced by the actions of her sister. This is not a reaction to anything that you have done except to have separated them from their biological fathers.
Both girls heard about the “cool” things that their friends shared with their fathers and wished to have the same experiences. As they have neared the time to start dating, they have wondered what to expect from the male behavior pattern. An all-female environment can be stifling to a teen. There is a small degree of rebellion over your rules and regulations and the hope more freedom could be had elsewhere.
Your daughter refers to her stepmother as mom as a way to fit in more easily and to feel that she is in a “perfect family” environment. The estrangement comes from the difficulty of trying to live two lives simultaneously. Give her some time.
Your children both love you, but you are only half of the parental pool and they want to swim in the other half. Let them do their experimenting and learning. You have raised them as beautiful young ladies, and when the time comes, they will maintain contact with you and share what they have learned.