Expectations
QUESTION: Masters, recently I got involved with a man who took the initiative to establish a relationship of light friendship with me. After two months of talking on the phone, and meeting up a few times, he asked me out on a date. He said he had no girlfriend after asking me about a boyfriend. We went out twice. On the second date I slept with him and we spent the weekend together. The next weekend he told me that he had just got out of a relationship the week prior to asking me out. I realized that he had hidden details about himself during our conversations. I am the rebound girl and I am devastated. At this point I am obsessing about this situation–hurt because I wanted to have a fun, playful, emotional baggage-less affair. Was I supposed to learn something else from this besides don’t sleep with a guy on the second date? I’m obsessed. ~Kelly, USA
ANSWER: This whole situation was about learning about yourself and the way you create anticipations and, because of that, don’t notice the obvious signs. You wanted a baggage-less affair and that was actually what you got-a one-night stand to help someone on the rebound. You were unable to pick up on his neediness or his desperation to have a relationship.
What you have to do now is deal with your obsession. The predominant feeling is of being used. To feel used, you have to have had an investment in the outcome of the affair. Is that baggage-less? No. Take it for what it was. You told yourself you wanted a fling and that was what you got. What you really wanted was something more permanent or else you would not still be obsessed with the lies he told you.
If you had been true to yourself and admitted that you wanted something that would last a while, you would not have jumped into bed so fast. When you want something more lasting, whether for fun or seriously, you are more particular about the background of your partner.
Let go of the fact that you were not seeing the hidden emotions he was hanging on to. Just know that next time you need to get to know the person better if you want it to last. You can only feel hurt over a past event if you need to feel hurt. Accept this as a tool of how not to behave in the future and move on.