Tough love, self love
QUESTION: Masters, my question is about tough love and self love. My desire to show my love to my 24-year-old daughter, and to support her through difficult times, often overrides and obscures my inner voice telling me to say “no” to her requests for support, because they are not in her best interests or mine. How do I stay loving towards myself and towards her? How do I maintain my certainty in the face of her bitter protests?
ANSWER: One of the most difficult stages and lessons for human parents is when to let go of their child and when to say “no.” Children often push the time of dependence well into adulthood because they do not want to assume responsibility for their own actions.
You have always provided whatever your daughter thought she needed. You have also been there to bail her out when she didn’t think things through thoroughly. You have facilitated a dependency of which she takes full advantage. She has learned a number of ways to manipulate you and theatrics is high on the list. The first step to being able to see clearly is to recognize the drama for what it is-an act to get you to give in to her demands.
That inner voice of which you speak is the truth of who you are. When you listen to it, you are honoring yourself and taking control of your own power. When you allow it to be drowned out, you are saying that others are more important then you. Accept that all souls originate from the same source and their opinions are equally valuable.
It is time for your daughter to take control of her own life-not just the initial decisions, but the results and repercussions as well. When she realizes that she is not going to be rescued from herself continually she will be more careful and investigative of the situations in which she places herself.
It is very loving for you to help your daughter recognize her own strengths. Be there to talk her through the difficulties in which she finds herself, but let her also find her own way out of the dilemma. If you continue giving in to her demands she will never grow and you will never be happy.
Don’t just spring this new regime upon her. Sit down and tell her that you will always be there, just not in a financial way. When you put this into play you will be honoring yourself and loving yourself as much as you love her.