A contract made me do it
QUESTION: Masters, I have a twin brother whom I love so much. Both of us had an abusive father and a difficult upbringing. I was always protecting him and felt I had to take care of him. We eventually graduated and moved out together. After a while I moved out [from him] because I got tired of being the mother. His life is a shambles now. He is separated and financially stressed. I feel an obligation to protect him and fix things for him; however he drives me crazy. I find him rude, childish, temperamental, and immature and we have nothing in common anymore. I feel like I grew up and he never did. I want to cut all ties with him because I feel anxiety and frustration when I am around him; however I feel guilty because I should be more loving and have him more in my life because I am his twin and only family that lives near him and he does not have anyone else. What is our contract with each other and what is the right thing I should do? ~Lisa, Canada
ANSWER: You and your brother, while coming into existence at the same physical time, originated from two different unions of sperm and eggs. There is a closeness between you from dealing with your parental difficulties and experiencing life in the same time frame. But you made no contract that stated you would be responsible for him for the rest of his life.
Your brother dealt with the trauma in his life in a totally different way from how you did: he is still hiding from his. As long as he had someone to take care of him, protect him, and put up with his bad manners, he refused to face the reality of his situation and take responsibility for his life.
Your brother relies upon your sense of guilt. He will never learn to take care of himself and address his problems if he is always being bailed out of difficulties. You have freedom of choice to maintain your past mothering behavior, but you have no obligation to do so. Your contract with him was to get him to the point of being able to make his own choices and decisions. You have set a perfect example for him if he chooses to notice. It is time to live your own life with your only concern being yourself.