Living in Hell
QUESTION: Masters, I am living with a man who suffers from anxiety amongst other things, but he regularly causes arguments and belittles/insults me. His father died recently and I know I should be more patient but I am on the receiving end of such nastiness sometimes that it is hard to bear. He is in the middle of a full time university course so I don’t want to leave and upset him so that he fails another university course. Feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. ~Anne, UK
ANSWER: From the way you are allowing yourself to be treated, it is apparent that your man-friend is not the only one suffering from anxiety—take a look in the mirror. He is very indulgent, selfish, spoiled, and controlling. Are you enjoying your life? You are making the decision to remain in that untenable situation so as “not to upset him.” Well, dear, what about you and your needs?
A person can get away with being a bullying, demanding bore only if other people sit back and allow it to happen. The fact that his father has passed over does not give him the right to be nasty to you. The fact that he has failed in school before for lack of dedication to his studies should not obligate you to be his slave and put up with his atrocious behavior.
You can be as patient as you wish, but he is not going to change until he gets called on his discourtesies. He, and only he, is responsible for his life. By trying to act the victim, he excuses his mistreatment of you and thinks it is all right because you stick around and take it and never really say much about it. The rock is this inconsiderate individual and the hard place is your indecision to honor yourself.
You have complete freedom of choice to remain in this nightmare or to decide what other way you would like to spend the rest of your life. You are not responsible for anyone but yourself, particularly not for him and his actions. The choice is yours.