Not what I wanted
QUESTION: Masters, I lived more or less happily for many years in a foreign country, then from 2006 all kinds of sad events made me depressed. I separated from a partner; my work environment became hostile and I had to resign; my mother died—she was practically my only family. Then I started a difficult relationship with another partner, and from the beginning we were stalked for nearly 2 years: my partner was victim of a murder attempt. We were obliged to move far away in a small city. I feel like I was obliged to make uncomfortable choices only to save my life, a life that I don’t like anymore. On top of that, I always get physical discomforts. I often feel that what I live is not what I want to live. Is this going to change? How? ~Maria, Italy
ANSWER: Change will come when you make the effort. You have been riding along on the events presented to you and saying there is nothing you can do. Once you get depressed you bring more negative energy and events to you because the universe says, “Oh, she likes to be sad and feeling bad; let’s give her some more issues to work with.”
Once you start in a situation, even if it is terribly uncomfortable to you, you stick around rather than making a move. After you separated from the first partner, you mentioned you felt so bad about yourself and why he had left that you blamed yourself for the breakup. You moped around until your employers had enough of your negativity and made things so unpleasant for you that you ran away.
From the beginning, the relationship with your new partner should have sent you screaming away from him. But for you, he was someone who was there. He was using you and you allowed it. His troubles became your troubles and you still stayed around. Even violence didn’t give you the idea to move on to some more positive place. You listen to others instead of making any decisions yourself.
If you begin to accept that you have the right to be as happy as the next person, and not be used or abused by anyone, you will be able to move on. Do not let anyone tell you what to do. Do things only when you feel like doing them. You don’t like your life anymore because you don’t like yourself. Take the things you can’t stand and start replacing them, one at a time. Give yourself permission to be happy. Allow your life to change into one where you can feel safe and comfortable. Get help from the various women’s organizations out there that can help you get settled into a new life style. It is never too late.