Survivor’s Guilt
QUESTION: My brother-in-law passed away on Jan 15, 2006, just 30 years old. It is almost as if my husband died with him for he feels guilty at still being alive. He thinks his brother hated him when he passed, and he wishes he could have a chance to tell Jeff how much he loved him. My husband has so much guilt because he had stopped trying to get his brother to help himself through his depression and drinking problem. My husband always thought it would be OK again and he just left Jeff alone for a while to do things his own way, but now he wishes he hadn’t let go and had kept on with his brother. I still think he did the right thing, but it doesn’t matter what I think: he feels his brother didn’t know how much he loved him and that tears him apart every day. How can I help him? ~ Sabrine
ANSWER: Your husband is going through a very common condition called survivor’s guilt. No matter what he might have done in relationship to his brother, it would have made no difference. It is impossible to get people to change unless they want to change, and your brother-in-law did not want to change his life.
Jeff had chosen to lead a very challenging life. He wanted to experience what it was like to exist in a total state of helplessness. Even though he had those around him, like his brother, who sought to offer help, he was deaf to their pleas. By his own choice he was destined to have a short life from the beginning.
It is difficult for many to understand, but the brothers had made an agreement before they came down to Earth. Jeff was going to have all kinds of problems. Your husband would seek to help him with them, realize that he could be of no help, finally step aside, and then watch as his brother transitioned back Home.
Your husband’s lessons in this agreement were to work out his feelings about guilt, responsibility for another, not being able to change another no matter how hard he tried, and the interconnection of all souls. His guilt is a continuing lesson from past lives as well as this. He will have to go deeply into his feelings about trying to control another when they don’t want to be controlled. This also has to do with the fact that one is not responsible for the dealings of another person. Each soul leads its own life.
His life will become a lot easier if he relaxes in the knowledge that all souls are connected. In this knowledge he will know that his brother hears his love and regrets for what has happened, and your husband will be able to feel his brother say, “Hey, Bro, don’t you remember? We planned it this way for both of us to learn from the experience. Just chill, man!”